From the couch (of my therapist cat...)
* Apr. 20th, 2009 at 4:20 PM
'...Ok Drew let me get this straight-- the wife is outta' town on business and left you to look after the, ahh, 'farm'? --Chickens, and such?
(What was she thinking?) Oh and the dog? The one that has the 'growth' that she's always gnawing at on her rib cage. Hmmmm-- So when you picked the eggs there was an incident with the one hen you said..."Brody", ahh, no--"Broody"? Ok so is that a name or is that the mood?
Moving on-- you got pecked you say? So that called for leveraging the hen off her perch to grab the eggs that she still fought for--ok, right.
Got notes on your cat "Buster"--right--, you say he gored you in the right buttock after an unfortunate leashing incident the next day did he?
But he, and that other one--(Scamper is it?)-- don't take well to that type of 'outside thrill'. Inside is just NOT working out huh? Oh I see, hmm.
Ok, and what is that term again--? "hackle-puff"-- that happens when the dog goes nose-to-nose to say 'hello'. Was there much blood?
No, no, I'm sorry -- I meant to your buttock from the unfortunate leashing incident. Ok but, the dog eats only cat food-- well, it is tasty y'know?
You've got time yet, my next appointment is with a "Mr opposum", He seems to believe that he lives with you on your back deck and is in some strange relationship with a male racoon who is also under the same mistaken assumption. No--it's quite normal. Get that a lot I do.
We cat-therapist call it "stupid-human syndrome". It's all about the 'big eye response.' The storybook character "Puss" from the animated feature by Dreamworks studios exploited that via their animated toon, that was voiced by a Mr. Banderas. Yes, humans fall for it every time.
No Drew, we cats don't respond to human words although we do understand them. We speak every human language in fact. Really!
We're brilliant we won't come to any owner in any human language ever! We feel that would 'cause a relationship breakdown if the ahem,
''owner'' thought that we actually cared enough to respond. Food and tummy rubbing are essential and since the dawn of your species we've had to ensure a compliant human that would do our bidding without fail. Respondig to you only creates problems eventually 'causes a breakdown that leads to something like the relationship you tend to have with, lesser mammals, like dogs for example.
Don't take it personal that your little buddy punctured your rump a few times, it comes with the territory until you're better trained. Consider this for a second-- What if we had YOU FIXED? Yeah, how about that? So remember that when you try to put any further demands on him.
Yep, it was a good thing your wallet caught the brunt of that! (chuckles) Treat them like the wife does when she's away. Fix them coffee in the morning, feed them steak and eggs, hire a massage therapist to rub them, and let them eat all the birds and mice they can get. They surely need the work out! That one cute one -- yes, ''Sassy''-- she's a four-footed dumpling with fur! Someone had to say it.
And try to limit your stress by using that deep breathing technique we spoke of last time. It won't do for me to give you a perscription for anything until you get more sleep and stop drinking the coffee. Coupled with your anxiety about being smothered by a cat in your sleep, and your insomnia, it would only add to your problems. After all, didn't you tell me you actually rescued one of them? Oh, two of them is it?
Now why would you do that if you....Oh......yes, the wife, of course. Oh one more thing before this session is finished. When we do that thing that you refer to as 'making buscuits'....well, we have to use our claws or it's just not quite the same. Yes, especially when you're almost asleep and yes, right on the side of your thigh or neck. The purring is to lull you into a sense of complacency just before we suck out your life force and add it to our own. Nothing to worry about though. And the drooling thing---that's the equivilent of a human having a cigarette after the fact. Just don't stare or attempt to move your hand until they have fallen asleep or you will get cut. Oh my, look at the time. You will excuse me, I've got to take a short break, tear up some toilet paper in the bathroom, vomit on the pillow, then bite a small human child on the nose before Mr. opposum's appointment! Thank you and see the receptionist on your way out. And this is not covered by insurance since it's considered to be 'elective' and 'unnecessary'. You ARE a great 'pet-tolerater', we..., I mean they, are just NOT that into you. Bu'bye.
Can't sleep, cats will eat me!
Must act like this is NOT a 'cry for help' or the cat has promised to kill me if I didn't put the 'F'n lotion in the basket
(please.....call the police!)--
No, I mean for real...(sanity slipping away.)
(NOTE...the above is in fun.)